when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
