It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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