omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
