I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
