I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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