Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
