Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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