That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
