i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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