Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
