I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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