im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
