you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
