Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
This house was built for laser tag.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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