wanna go halves on a baby?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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