perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
