Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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