So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
