Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
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