Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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