Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
