so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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