thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
