I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
