I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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