Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
