You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
