it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
