listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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