I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
