My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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