the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
