hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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