is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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