you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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