The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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