The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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