Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
