youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
