I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
