u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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