My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
