If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm both gender and math confused
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
