My cat gives me a boner
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
