She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
