My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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