come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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