i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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