If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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