When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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