mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
