I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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