Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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