Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
In other news, I just burned my penis
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
