I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
