any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
